And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
