you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
