Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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