DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
