I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
