i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
