If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
