I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
