I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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