Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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