True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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