Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
