My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ketchup is God's man juice
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize