we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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