He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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