Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
