so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
