How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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