Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
