i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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