All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
