This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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