Whats the glycemic index on semen?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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