My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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