it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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