Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I love having hate sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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