you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
