She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
