I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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