i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
