Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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