here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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