This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
