I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
