My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
