i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
