dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
