I cannot find my penis.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
