I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
