is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
