I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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