Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Randomize