I cannot find my penis.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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