i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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