you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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