i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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