I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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