So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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