I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My liver just had a heart attack.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
