We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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