And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
