Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
