got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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